So yesterday was my last chemo. HOLY HALLELUJUAH. Monday night I was super stressed and it was a task just to try to keep it together. I was scared, excited, and nervous. I was thinking WHAT if something goes wrong, WHAT if this isn't the last chemo I will have to do. Well I can cross the what if something goes wrong off the list cuz it went fine. And I think I have to deal with the fact that indeed there may be more chemo down the road at any point but I have to celebrate the fact that the chemo that started wayyyy back on Sept 29/09 has now come to an end. I feel pretty positive today and I am hoping to keep it that way over the next few days. I have mentally gone into recovery mode even though I have to deal with another 5-6 days or so of strong side effects.
Sooo you may be wondering what the next steps are. ME TOO! ha. basically now that radiation and chemo are done I will have some more tests and follow ups over the next month. I am scheduled for a left mastectomy on March 5. After that routine bone scans to make sure that cancer is all gone. I am basically waiting for someone to say the chemo worked and I am all clear but I think I will have to wait until surgery is complete for that verdict.
Soooo in the meantime I am going to try to enjoy the few weeks I have before surgery and get out and do some stuff. And then recoop from surgery and again try to get out and do more. I hope I am not getting toooo ahead of myself but it feels great to have some control back to your life. Just need to start small.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention the best part!!!! The cursed PIC line came out yesterday. Now I just have a bandaid on my arm and it feels great!! Now I can fit long sleeve shirts over my arm and I can bend it and have a proper shower without using a freezer bag. Ahhhhh yesssssssss.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hey Everyone! so tomorrow is my second last chemo. I'm feeling ok today just tired and a little cold and sniffly. My body is soooo worn out. Was fighting off some sort of bug over the weekend but it seems to be going away....just in time for chemo to take another stab at my immune system. BUT whats keeping me going is knowing that in ONE week it will be my LAST chemo. omg omg. It's gonna for sure take some time to recover. I have NEVER felt this rundown, tired, and shitty even with the worst cold/flu/anything else really. The burn on my neck is slowly healing but its still pretty raw because the chemo is slowing down the skin rejuvenation. Cmonnnn baby. I just want to feel like a whole person again. And a new side effect this week thats come to fruition is my eyes won't stop watering. I'm thinking maybe its cuz its been a few days since I cried last so all the tears are pent up. haha
I've been dreaming of nachos.... or pizza.... SOMETHING.... Mom's been making me food like stew and spaghetti but I just don't know what to eat. .... I have no taste for salt or sugar so maybe some canned tuna would taste ok? I'm trying to drink more water to stay hydrated but basically water has the texture as if you were taking a big drink from a slimy fish tank. UGHHH. lol lets just say its a weird feeling and yucky to boot. But as with the food issue I am trying to suck it up for a few more weeks and just get stuff down. I am tempted to say screw it and order pizza for dinner cuz I like the texture and I just want to feel full. decisions decisions....
Not too much else to update.... cuz I have been doing didley squat the last few weeks just watching tv, resting, and going to appointments.
I've been dreaming of nachos.... or pizza.... SOMETHING.... Mom's been making me food like stew and spaghetti but I just don't know what to eat. .... I have no taste for salt or sugar so maybe some canned tuna would taste ok? I'm trying to drink more water to stay hydrated but basically water has the texture as if you were taking a big drink from a slimy fish tank. UGHHH. lol lets just say its a weird feeling and yucky to boot. But as with the food issue I am trying to suck it up for a few more weeks and just get stuff down. I am tempted to say screw it and order pizza for dinner cuz I like the texture and I just want to feel full. decisions decisions....
Not too much else to update.... cuz I have been doing didley squat the last few weeks just watching tv, resting, and going to appointments.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What rhymes with ticked off?
Picked off? Licked off? Nicked off? Or how about I am just miserable... which is in turn making me ticked off? that works....
So I have asked myself over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging and came up with several excuses but really it boils down to I didnt want to. I am frustrated with going to the cancer clinic everyday for radiation ....its utterly draining and in the process I have been left feeling so isolated and alone even though I am there with people everyday.
However the last radiation is on Tuesday and I am over the moon excited for it to be done. I don't want to be there anymore than I have to. My body has dealt with the radiation fairly well thanks to my darker complexion except for a spot on my collarbone that is so incredibly burnt. I touched my skin there today to apply some lotion and I just heard this crispy noise of the skin cracking leaving fresh pink "skin" underneath exposed. Gross - yes! But for my favourite line of the last 6 months... it is what it is right now and I just have to get through it. The doc thinks that by next weekend my body should be in healing mode and it will start to get better. I will not miss being befriended by other radiation patients who are in lets talk about cancer/Jesus/surgery/chemo/how young I am mode while we wait. Adios radiation department!!
If I am sounding a little bitter these days its cuz I am. I am only weeks away from being done treatment but I am at my whits end. My patience is being stretched so thin in certain areas and therefore I have absolutely no patience with other things. But I am trying...
It wouldn't be SO bad if I weren't dealing with losing my taste buds. I think I would almost rather lost my sight than taste...its terrible. My nose is working perfectly fine and I can smell allll tasty foods but once they go in my mouth ...nothing...nada. Its soooo frustrating. What gave me some joy during the first part of chemo like being able to meet friends for lunch or cook myself a meal to feel useful has been ripped away. It may sound melodramatic but picture smelling a big bowl of spagetti with garlic bread and salad and seeing how good it looks and then you take a big bite and nothing. Everything tastes the same and there isn't a taste. Food has become about texture. I have realized I REALLY dont like the texture of cucumbers, tomatoes, or applesauce but I guess they taste pretty good so I ate them! Now one would think this could be an effective weight loss plan, however I take stereroids after the chemo which make me super hungry for about 2 days which is BRUTAL. The only thing that really has a taste is veggies and some fruit but who wants to eat just that especially during this time when its only human nature to crave comfort foods - carbs!! When I start to get my taste buds back we are going to have a taco party and everyone is invited. yumm ok enough about food.
Back in the fall when I was blogging ...it was about my daily routine. The lollipops and rainbows of chemo were yoga and art therapy and lunch here and there and physically being ok but mentally trying to stay balanced. I felt like I was somewhat "coasting" not through the cancer part but of chemo treatments. Today I feel totally buried in the chemo regime. I just want to be able to do daily tasks like eat and go for a walk and put my laundry away. I know it will come...but to live it everyday for months is a long process. And its not done even after chemo and radiation but at least then I will be able to mentally move to the next portion of treatment and regain the physical strength I am craving.
So I have asked myself over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging and came up with several excuses but really it boils down to I didnt want to. I am frustrated with going to the cancer clinic everyday for radiation ....its utterly draining and in the process I have been left feeling so isolated and alone even though I am there with people everyday.
However the last radiation is on Tuesday and I am over the moon excited for it to be done. I don't want to be there anymore than I have to. My body has dealt with the radiation fairly well thanks to my darker complexion except for a spot on my collarbone that is so incredibly burnt. I touched my skin there today to apply some lotion and I just heard this crispy noise of the skin cracking leaving fresh pink "skin" underneath exposed. Gross - yes! But for my favourite line of the last 6 months... it is what it is right now and I just have to get through it. The doc thinks that by next weekend my body should be in healing mode and it will start to get better. I will not miss being befriended by other radiation patients who are in lets talk about cancer/Jesus/surgery/chemo/how young I am mode while we wait. Adios radiation department!!
If I am sounding a little bitter these days its cuz I am. I am only weeks away from being done treatment but I am at my whits end. My patience is being stretched so thin in certain areas and therefore I have absolutely no patience with other things. But I am trying...
It wouldn't be SO bad if I weren't dealing with losing my taste buds. I think I would almost rather lost my sight than taste...its terrible. My nose is working perfectly fine and I can smell allll tasty foods but once they go in my mouth ...nothing...nada. Its soooo frustrating. What gave me some joy during the first part of chemo like being able to meet friends for lunch or cook myself a meal to feel useful has been ripped away. It may sound melodramatic but picture smelling a big bowl of spagetti with garlic bread and salad and seeing how good it looks and then you take a big bite and nothing. Everything tastes the same and there isn't a taste. Food has become about texture. I have realized I REALLY dont like the texture of cucumbers, tomatoes, or applesauce but I guess they taste pretty good so I ate them! Now one would think this could be an effective weight loss plan, however I take stereroids after the chemo which make me super hungry for about 2 days which is BRUTAL. The only thing that really has a taste is veggies and some fruit but who wants to eat just that especially during this time when its only human nature to crave comfort foods - carbs!! When I start to get my taste buds back we are going to have a taco party and everyone is invited. yumm ok enough about food.
Back in the fall when I was blogging ...it was about my daily routine. The lollipops and rainbows of chemo were yoga and art therapy and lunch here and there and physically being ok but mentally trying to stay balanced. I felt like I was somewhat "coasting" not through the cancer part but of chemo treatments. Today I feel totally buried in the chemo regime. I just want to be able to do daily tasks like eat and go for a walk and put my laundry away. I know it will come...but to live it everyday for months is a long process. And its not done even after chemo and radiation but at least then I will be able to mentally move to the next portion of treatment and regain the physical strength I am craving.
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