What rhymes with ticked off?

Picked off? Licked off? Nicked off? Or how about I am just miserable... which is in turn making me ticked off? that works....

So I have asked myself over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging and came up with several excuses but really it boils down to I didnt want to. I am frustrated with going to the cancer clinic everyday for radiation ....its utterly draining and in the process I have been left feeling so isolated and alone even though I am there with people everyday.

However the last radiation is on Tuesday and I am over the moon excited for it to be done. I don't want to be there anymore than I have to. My body has dealt with the radiation fairly well thanks to my darker complexion except for a spot on my collarbone that is so incredibly burnt. I touched my skin there today to apply some lotion and I just heard this crispy noise of the skin cracking leaving fresh pink "skin" underneath exposed. Gross - yes! But for my favourite line of the last 6 months... it is what it is right now and I just have to get through it. The doc thinks that by next weekend my body should be in healing mode and it will start to get better. I will not miss being befriended by other radiation patients who are in lets talk about cancer/Jesus/surgery/chemo/how young I am mode while we wait. Adios radiation department!!

If I am sounding a little bitter these days its cuz I am. I am only weeks away from being done treatment but I am at my whits end. My patience is being stretched so thin in certain areas and therefore I have absolutely no patience with other things. But I am trying...
It wouldn't be SO bad if I weren't dealing with losing my taste buds. I think I would almost rather lost my sight than taste...its terrible. My nose is working perfectly fine and I can smell allll tasty foods but once they go in my mouth ...nothing...nada. Its soooo frustrating. What gave me some joy during the first part of chemo like being able to meet friends for lunch or cook myself a meal to feel useful has been ripped away. It may sound melodramatic but picture smelling a big bowl of spagetti with garlic bread and salad and seeing how good it looks and then you take a big bite and nothing. Everything tastes the same and there isn't a taste. Food has become about texture. I have realized I REALLY dont like the texture of cucumbers, tomatoes, or applesauce but I guess they taste pretty good so I ate them! Now one would think this could be an effective weight loss plan, however I take stereroids after the chemo which make me super hungry for about 2 days which is BRUTAL. The only thing that really has a taste is veggies and some fruit but who wants to eat just that especially during this time when its only human nature to crave comfort foods - carbs!! When I start to get my taste buds back we are going to have a taco party and everyone is invited. yumm ok enough about food.

Back in the fall when I was blogging ...it was about my daily routine. The lollipops and rainbows of chemo were yoga and art therapy and lunch here and there and physically being ok but mentally trying to stay balanced. I felt like I was somewhat "coasting" not through the cancer part but of chemo treatments. Today I feel totally buried in the chemo regime. I just want to be able to do daily tasks like eat and go for a walk and put my laundry away. I know it will come...but to live it everyday for months is a long process. And its not done even after chemo and radiation but at least then I will be able to mentally move to the next portion of treatment and regain the physical strength I am craving.