So yesterday was my last chemo. HOLY HALLELUJUAH. Monday night I was super stressed and it was a task just to try to keep it together. I was scared, excited, and nervous. I was thinking WHAT if something goes wrong, WHAT if this isn't the last chemo I will have to do. Well I can cross the what if something goes wrong off the list cuz it went fine. And I think I have to deal with the fact that indeed there may be more chemo down the road at any point but I have to celebrate the fact that the chemo that started wayyyy back on Sept 29/09 has now come to an end. I feel pretty positive today and I am hoping to keep it that way over the next few days. I have mentally gone into recovery mode even though I have to deal with another 5-6 days or so of strong side effects.
Sooo you may be wondering what the next steps are. ME TOO! ha. basically now that radiation and chemo are done I will have some more tests and follow ups over the next month. I am scheduled for a left mastectomy on March 5. After that routine bone scans to make sure that cancer is all gone. I am basically waiting for someone to say the chemo worked and I am all clear but I think I will have to wait until surgery is complete for that verdict.
Soooo in the meantime I am going to try to enjoy the few weeks I have before surgery and get out and do some stuff. And then recoop from surgery and again try to get out and do more. I hope I am not getting toooo ahead of myself but it feels great to have some control back to your life. Just need to start small.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention the best part!!!! The cursed PIC line came out yesterday. Now I just have a bandaid on my arm and it feels great!! Now I can fit long sleeve shirts over my arm and I can bend it and have a proper shower without using a freezer bag. Ahhhhh yesssssssss.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hey Everyone! so tomorrow is my second last chemo. I'm feeling ok today just tired and a little cold and sniffly. My body is soooo worn out. Was fighting off some sort of bug over the weekend but it seems to be going away....just in time for chemo to take another stab at my immune system. BUT whats keeping me going is knowing that in ONE week it will be my LAST chemo. omg omg. It's gonna for sure take some time to recover. I have NEVER felt this rundown, tired, and shitty even with the worst cold/flu/anything else really. The burn on my neck is slowly healing but its still pretty raw because the chemo is slowing down the skin rejuvenation. Cmonnnn baby. I just want to feel like a whole person again. And a new side effect this week thats come to fruition is my eyes won't stop watering. I'm thinking maybe its cuz its been a few days since I cried last so all the tears are pent up. haha
I've been dreaming of nachos.... or pizza.... SOMETHING.... Mom's been making me food like stew and spaghetti but I just don't know what to eat. .... I have no taste for salt or sugar so maybe some canned tuna would taste ok? I'm trying to drink more water to stay hydrated but basically water has the texture as if you were taking a big drink from a slimy fish tank. UGHHH. lol lets just say its a weird feeling and yucky to boot. But as with the food issue I am trying to suck it up for a few more weeks and just get stuff down. I am tempted to say screw it and order pizza for dinner cuz I like the texture and I just want to feel full. decisions decisions....
Not too much else to update.... cuz I have been doing didley squat the last few weeks just watching tv, resting, and going to appointments.
I've been dreaming of nachos.... or pizza.... SOMETHING.... Mom's been making me food like stew and spaghetti but I just don't know what to eat. .... I have no taste for salt or sugar so maybe some canned tuna would taste ok? I'm trying to drink more water to stay hydrated but basically water has the texture as if you were taking a big drink from a slimy fish tank. UGHHH. lol lets just say its a weird feeling and yucky to boot. But as with the food issue I am trying to suck it up for a few more weeks and just get stuff down. I am tempted to say screw it and order pizza for dinner cuz I like the texture and I just want to feel full. decisions decisions....
Not too much else to update.... cuz I have been doing didley squat the last few weeks just watching tv, resting, and going to appointments.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What rhymes with ticked off?
Picked off? Licked off? Nicked off? Or how about I am just miserable... which is in turn making me ticked off? that works....
So I have asked myself over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging and came up with several excuses but really it boils down to I didnt want to. I am frustrated with going to the cancer clinic everyday for radiation ....its utterly draining and in the process I have been left feeling so isolated and alone even though I am there with people everyday.
However the last radiation is on Tuesday and I am over the moon excited for it to be done. I don't want to be there anymore than I have to. My body has dealt with the radiation fairly well thanks to my darker complexion except for a spot on my collarbone that is so incredibly burnt. I touched my skin there today to apply some lotion and I just heard this crispy noise of the skin cracking leaving fresh pink "skin" underneath exposed. Gross - yes! But for my favourite line of the last 6 months... it is what it is right now and I just have to get through it. The doc thinks that by next weekend my body should be in healing mode and it will start to get better. I will not miss being befriended by other radiation patients who are in lets talk about cancer/Jesus/surgery/chemo/how young I am mode while we wait. Adios radiation department!!
If I am sounding a little bitter these days its cuz I am. I am only weeks away from being done treatment but I am at my whits end. My patience is being stretched so thin in certain areas and therefore I have absolutely no patience with other things. But I am trying...
It wouldn't be SO bad if I weren't dealing with losing my taste buds. I think I would almost rather lost my sight than taste...its terrible. My nose is working perfectly fine and I can smell allll tasty foods but once they go in my mouth ...nothing...nada. Its soooo frustrating. What gave me some joy during the first part of chemo like being able to meet friends for lunch or cook myself a meal to feel useful has been ripped away. It may sound melodramatic but picture smelling a big bowl of spagetti with garlic bread and salad and seeing how good it looks and then you take a big bite and nothing. Everything tastes the same and there isn't a taste. Food has become about texture. I have realized I REALLY dont like the texture of cucumbers, tomatoes, or applesauce but I guess they taste pretty good so I ate them! Now one would think this could be an effective weight loss plan, however I take stereroids after the chemo which make me super hungry for about 2 days which is BRUTAL. The only thing that really has a taste is veggies and some fruit but who wants to eat just that especially during this time when its only human nature to crave comfort foods - carbs!! When I start to get my taste buds back we are going to have a taco party and everyone is invited. yumm ok enough about food.
Back in the fall when I was blogging ...it was about my daily routine. The lollipops and rainbows of chemo were yoga and art therapy and lunch here and there and physically being ok but mentally trying to stay balanced. I felt like I was somewhat "coasting" not through the cancer part but of chemo treatments. Today I feel totally buried in the chemo regime. I just want to be able to do daily tasks like eat and go for a walk and put my laundry away. I know it will come...but to live it everyday for months is a long process. And its not done even after chemo and radiation but at least then I will be able to mentally move to the next portion of treatment and regain the physical strength I am craving.
So I have asked myself over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging and came up with several excuses but really it boils down to I didnt want to. I am frustrated with going to the cancer clinic everyday for radiation ....its utterly draining and in the process I have been left feeling so isolated and alone even though I am there with people everyday.
However the last radiation is on Tuesday and I am over the moon excited for it to be done. I don't want to be there anymore than I have to. My body has dealt with the radiation fairly well thanks to my darker complexion except for a spot on my collarbone that is so incredibly burnt. I touched my skin there today to apply some lotion and I just heard this crispy noise of the skin cracking leaving fresh pink "skin" underneath exposed. Gross - yes! But for my favourite line of the last 6 months... it is what it is right now and I just have to get through it. The doc thinks that by next weekend my body should be in healing mode and it will start to get better. I will not miss being befriended by other radiation patients who are in lets talk about cancer/Jesus/surgery/chemo/how young I am mode while we wait. Adios radiation department!!
If I am sounding a little bitter these days its cuz I am. I am only weeks away from being done treatment but I am at my whits end. My patience is being stretched so thin in certain areas and therefore I have absolutely no patience with other things. But I am trying...
It wouldn't be SO bad if I weren't dealing with losing my taste buds. I think I would almost rather lost my sight than taste...its terrible. My nose is working perfectly fine and I can smell allll tasty foods but once they go in my mouth ...nothing...nada. Its soooo frustrating. What gave me some joy during the first part of chemo like being able to meet friends for lunch or cook myself a meal to feel useful has been ripped away. It may sound melodramatic but picture smelling a big bowl of spagetti with garlic bread and salad and seeing how good it looks and then you take a big bite and nothing. Everything tastes the same and there isn't a taste. Food has become about texture. I have realized I REALLY dont like the texture of cucumbers, tomatoes, or applesauce but I guess they taste pretty good so I ate them! Now one would think this could be an effective weight loss plan, however I take stereroids after the chemo which make me super hungry for about 2 days which is BRUTAL. The only thing that really has a taste is veggies and some fruit but who wants to eat just that especially during this time when its only human nature to crave comfort foods - carbs!! When I start to get my taste buds back we are going to have a taco party and everyone is invited. yumm ok enough about food.
Back in the fall when I was blogging ...it was about my daily routine. The lollipops and rainbows of chemo were yoga and art therapy and lunch here and there and physically being ok but mentally trying to stay balanced. I felt like I was somewhat "coasting" not through the cancer part but of chemo treatments. Today I feel totally buried in the chemo regime. I just want to be able to do daily tasks like eat and go for a walk and put my laundry away. I know it will come...but to live it everyday for months is a long process. And its not done even after chemo and radiation but at least then I will be able to mentally move to the next portion of treatment and regain the physical strength I am craving.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
So sleepy
Its been a few days since the last chemo...and I am sooo sleepy. Not sure how I am gonna stay up to watch Survivor tonight. Its only 5:45 and I want to go to bed.
I am back on track this week...had chemo on Tuesday and radiation everyday this week. Feeling ok other than being extremely sleepy.
Thats it for now!
I am back on track this week...had chemo on Tuesday and radiation everyday this week. Feeling ok other than being extremely sleepy.
Thats it for now!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'm here!!
So where to start ... in the past I have been awol in blogging just cuz there hasn't been much going on. Weeellllll this time is a little different...
It all started last week when I started my weekly doses of chemo called Docetaxol (Taxotere). Apparently its not supposed to be as bad as the FEC for nausea and some other symptoms. So going in for this treatment my spirits were high that I would get through it all like the first half. It was a 1.5 hr IV drip through my PIC line and with about 5 minutes remaining I started getting the feeling of a heavy chest. This drug can cause an allergic reactions and one of the symptoms is chest pain so I was immediately given an injection of benadryl which made me soooo sleepy and out of it. The benadryl didn't seem to help the chest discomfort so I was given a shot of Maalox and that seemed to help so I was given the OK to head home. Aside from sleepiness I did good the rest of Tuesday, and then Wednesday and Thursday I was out n about feeling good. About 3am Friday morning I woke with chest pain similar to the chest pain I felt right after chemo on Tuesday. After taking a dose of Maalox and it not going away Aaron and I decided to head to the ER. We got there around 4am and I was brought in immediately to have my vitals taken and then we waited and waited and I was seen by a doctor around 8:30am. Had blood taken and was sent for a chest xray and then waited for my Oncologist Dr. Dingle to come around. When Dr. Dingle arrived he said that from the chest xray he could see that the end of my PIC line was somehow bowing up against my heart. As soon as he pulled the PIC line out about 6cm I instantly felt some relief. Sheeeesh after all this time I KNEW something wasn't right, but nobody would listen to me. I was given another xray and it seemed to be in the right spot and my chest pain had gone away so then we were sent home at around noon which is when the ordeal ended. By this time I was starving, super stressed, and relieved all at the same time. Mom and Dad were there too and ended up driving me back home to Dad's, but on the way home the chest pain came back. To sum up several more hours I had chest pain til the next day... Dad taking blood pressure, temperature, and heart beat checks every few hours. After talking to Dr. Dingle on the phone a few times he prescribed me a med for gastro..something er other...stuff to inhibit the gas in the esophagus. It took about 24 hrs for the chest pain to go away.....basically Saturday night. Feeling perkier I was happy that the pain had subsided and I could finally get a good nights sleep. HOWEVER, I kind of got the feeling when you know you are coming down with something. And when I woke up on Sunday I had the worst upset stomach of my life for the whole day. I am thinking it was a stomach bug and for me ...when I catch a bug its like 10 times worse than a "normal person" not on chemo. So basically it was one of the worst weekends ever but Mom, Dad, and Aaron took good care of me all weekend!! I am truly grateful to have such a good family.
So the weekend rolls into Monday - yesterday. The plan WAS to get the weekly bloodwork done, see Dr. Dingle for a review, go to radiation, ,and then chemo Tuesday.
Well over the weekend it became very apparent that my heartrate was going a lot faster than it should be sitting between 110-120. I think this started sometime in the past 2 weeks... This is definitely a concern and I ended up staying at the Cancer Clinic to see a Cardiologist and had a lung scan and another chest xray performed. To sum up the day (we were there from 8:30am - 4pm) everything turned up clear and from what I am gathering they are attributing the fast heartbeat to the Epirubicin, one of the drugs from the first 3 chemo sessions. I guess it can be one of the side effects?! greeaaat . But in reality I don't think anyone is sure... I am being sent for an Echo cardiogram (if thats the right name!?) on Friday and if that comes back clear I am told that I will keep trucking on my chemo and radiation plan which has all been cancelled this week in light of my heart situation.
Overall I am a bit of an emotional basketcase the past few days. Just trying to regain some sort of normalcy in an "unnormal" situation. Today I went to the mall for an hour and almost had a meltdown in the car because just getting in the car to drive myself somewhere and listen to the tunes was emotional. And then I laid low and cleaned a corner of a room in the house with Mom and felt much better... at least I had control over where to put some odds n ends.
I am sorta relieved that they pushed this weeks chemo back but at the same time I just want to get on with everything and not prolong it. This is a loooong process and I think some emotions are starting to catch up with me... and I need to do the best I can to deal.
Tommorow I meet with the social worker and get my PIC line dressing changed, which is thankfully feeling much better since Friday.
Trucking onward......
It all started last week when I started my weekly doses of chemo called Docetaxol (Taxotere). Apparently its not supposed to be as bad as the FEC for nausea and some other symptoms. So going in for this treatment my spirits were high that I would get through it all like the first half. It was a 1.5 hr IV drip through my PIC line and with about 5 minutes remaining I started getting the feeling of a heavy chest. This drug can cause an allergic reactions and one of the symptoms is chest pain so I was immediately given an injection of benadryl which made me soooo sleepy and out of it. The benadryl didn't seem to help the chest discomfort so I was given a shot of Maalox and that seemed to help so I was given the OK to head home. Aside from sleepiness I did good the rest of Tuesday, and then Wednesday and Thursday I was out n about feeling good. About 3am Friday morning I woke with chest pain similar to the chest pain I felt right after chemo on Tuesday. After taking a dose of Maalox and it not going away Aaron and I decided to head to the ER. We got there around 4am and I was brought in immediately to have my vitals taken and then we waited and waited and I was seen by a doctor around 8:30am. Had blood taken and was sent for a chest xray and then waited for my Oncologist Dr. Dingle to come around. When Dr. Dingle arrived he said that from the chest xray he could see that the end of my PIC line was somehow bowing up against my heart. As soon as he pulled the PIC line out about 6cm I instantly felt some relief. Sheeeesh after all this time I KNEW something wasn't right, but nobody would listen to me. I was given another xray and it seemed to be in the right spot and my chest pain had gone away so then we were sent home at around noon which is when the ordeal ended. By this time I was starving, super stressed, and relieved all at the same time. Mom and Dad were there too and ended up driving me back home to Dad's, but on the way home the chest pain came back. To sum up several more hours I had chest pain til the next day... Dad taking blood pressure, temperature, and heart beat checks every few hours. After talking to Dr. Dingle on the phone a few times he prescribed me a med for gastro..something er other...stuff to inhibit the gas in the esophagus. It took about 24 hrs for the chest pain to go away.....basically Saturday night. Feeling perkier I was happy that the pain had subsided and I could finally get a good nights sleep. HOWEVER, I kind of got the feeling when you know you are coming down with something. And when I woke up on Sunday I had the worst upset stomach of my life for the whole day. I am thinking it was a stomach bug and for me ...when I catch a bug its like 10 times worse than a "normal person" not on chemo. So basically it was one of the worst weekends ever but Mom, Dad, and Aaron took good care of me all weekend!! I am truly grateful to have such a good family.
So the weekend rolls into Monday - yesterday. The plan WAS to get the weekly bloodwork done, see Dr. Dingle for a review, go to radiation, ,and then chemo Tuesday.
Well over the weekend it became very apparent that my heartrate was going a lot faster than it should be sitting between 110-120. I think this started sometime in the past 2 weeks... This is definitely a concern and I ended up staying at the Cancer Clinic to see a Cardiologist and had a lung scan and another chest xray performed. To sum up the day (we were there from 8:30am - 4pm) everything turned up clear and from what I am gathering they are attributing the fast heartbeat to the Epirubicin, one of the drugs from the first 3 chemo sessions. I guess it can be one of the side effects?! greeaaat . But in reality I don't think anyone is sure... I am being sent for an Echo cardiogram (if thats the right name!?) on Friday and if that comes back clear I am told that I will keep trucking on my chemo and radiation plan which has all been cancelled this week in light of my heart situation.
Overall I am a bit of an emotional basketcase the past few days. Just trying to regain some sort of normalcy in an "unnormal" situation. Today I went to the mall for an hour and almost had a meltdown in the car because just getting in the car to drive myself somewhere and listen to the tunes was emotional. And then I laid low and cleaned a corner of a room in the house with Mom and felt much better... at least I had control over where to put some odds n ends.
I am sorta relieved that they pushed this weeks chemo back but at the same time I just want to get on with everything and not prolong it. This is a loooong process and I think some emotions are starting to catch up with me... and I need to do the best I can to deal.
Tommorow I meet with the social worker and get my PIC line dressing changed, which is thankfully feeling much better since Friday.
Trucking onward......
Friday, November 27, 2009
TGIF
My arm still hurts. I've been told to put a warm pack on it 20 min 4 times a day which I did for the past 2 days. But now my shoulders hurting. I think the sticky part is attached funny and therefore I can't extend my arm without it pulling on my skin. Its very irritating and I just want this thing out. ughhh And the test today is the brutal one where my arms were sore for 3 days having to keep myself propped up for 2 hours so I am just dreading it especially now that my one arm is already sore. grrrrr
For some fun Friday action check out my link...make sure the music is on!!
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/kvh98yvRuiPlVItD?cmpid=ey_fb_self
For some fun Friday action check out my link...make sure the music is on!!
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/kvh98yvRuiPlVItD?cmpid=ey_fb_self
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Stinkin PIC line
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!
Ughhhhh I HATE this PIC line. My arm is so sore! I couldn't get comfy sleeping and woke up on the wrong side of the bed - grouchy.
The procedure to put the PIC line in was wayyyy less traumatic than I was expecting so I was thinking yay ok they don't have to put an IV in me every week for chemo. BUT they put the PIC line in the underside of my elbow... right where it bends so its pretty sore. I guess normally they put it in your upper arm and you don't feel it. When my arm is stationary it doesn't hurt but its sore if it stays in one position for too long and you stretch it out or vice versa. AND to complain a little more its in my right arm which is my dominant arm so I use it a lot more (thats why the nurse wanted to put it in the right side). BAHHH Its just one more physical reminder that I am sick. ANNNND it gets better, cuz Aaron is on midnights and sleeps through the day and Jax is insane I opted to go get the dressing changed rather than have the nurse come to my house. Sooo I had to go get this done at the RETIREMENT HOME! ughhhh lol
Today I am going for a MUGA scan at 2:30... this test isn't bad at all so no worries there. I am petrified for the test on Friday cuz my arm is already sore and its the one where I had to keep myself propped up by my foreams for an hour.
I gotta do something to give me a pick-me-up....maybe I will go for a walk and blast my MP3 player. Or I will transfer everything to my new purse... its goooooorgeous! ahhhhhh
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